The Almighty In-N-Out Burger

Before I really jump into this post, I'd like to take a moment to thank you, whoever you may be, for reading this. Whether you're a horse wearing a lime costume, a robot with opposable thumbs, or a good old fashioned human being, the fact that you are taking time out of your life to view this makes me happy. You've brightened my day, and I am in your debt. Now, let's get to the heart of this post.

I was lying on the couch sipping a far too sweet glass of lemonade, while limply holding a remote, my finger pressed hard on the scroll button. Infomercial after infomercial passed before my eyes and ran together in a blur of Spanish and English which begged me to do one thing... BUY ME. Suddenly I heard a severe rumbling thunder-like sound, which slowly faded into a squeak. I puzzled to determine where the sound came from... The dry heat of summer, and the rays of sun which smashed against my closed windows searching for any crevice by which they might enter into the cool house and cause me to perspire severely in my underarms, told me this wasn't thunder. Perhaps I was just hearing things.

Again the rumbling sound shook my ear drums. This time there was no doubt where it came from. I stared down at my stomach. I needed lunch, and I needed it bad. My brain scrolled through food item after food item just like the television infomercials. I waited anxiously to have a food plastered across my brain which would entice me enough to devour it. The answer came shortly. An In-N-Out burger flashed across my cranium, and the scrolling stopped. My chops were hanging open, and saliva streamed out as if I didn't know how to shut my trap(well... I actually don't know how. That's one skill my mother failed to teach me. To this day I wear a giant bib to catch the cups of drool that pour out of my halatosis ridden pie hole). The thought of the succulent meat and soft tan bun which enveloped the glorious sandwich drove me mad. I started foaming at the mouth and pounding my chest like a gorilla. And then came the withdrawal symptoms... I scratched my neck and twitched uncontrollably. It had been far too long since I had my In-N-Out fix. Running to my room, I frantically grabbed my keys and managed to put on one sock. Before you could say "Hello, my name is Amy. I have no life and all of my friends pretend to like me" I was out the door.

After driving for an eternity (probably three minutes), I arrived at the establishment which served burgers from the heavens above. Dashing through the parking lot, my feet were singed by the scalding concrete, and I realized that I had not managed to put on any shoes. But it didn't matter. NOTHING MATTERED. Not even the fact that I hadn't showered yet, and was wearing a pink neon shirt which read "I pee in pools". I wasn't too worried about my appearance as it was about 3:30 in the afternoon. Not prime lunchtime. Ha! What a fool I was! As I walked up to the door I saw a plethora (I don't know what this word means, but I feel refined using it), of college football players in full uniform filling the lobbing, and spilling out of the building. I tried to think of a way to slip into the line undetected... So I started crawling. But, I forgot one important thing; crawling does not make you invisible. To this day, no one has ever looked at me the way those football stars did. They never said a word, but simply stared in disbelief as I did what I'm sure was the worst impersonation of a crouching lion ever to grace this green earth.

Slowly the line dwindled down, and I made it to the register. I ordered a number two with no onions and a vanilla milkshake. The girl told me I was number 67, and I sat down to wait. For the first few minutes I amused myself by making jokes in my head about the giant diaper pins that all the servers had to wear, but then I looked down at my bib and was silenced. The anticipation was killing me. I didn't realize this until I got home, but the anxiousness which I felt caused me to rise slowly out of my chair. I was now half standing half sitting, clutching my receipt, drooling into my bib, and swaying back and forth like a mad man. Over the loud speaker I heard "62...63...64...65...66..."  I never have had feelings for a number before, but when I heard '67' called out, I instantly fell in love. I pounced on my food and dashed across the room screaming "FOR NARNIA!!" Don't ask me why. I was overcome with joy and it was the first sentence which entered my mind.

Driving home I enjoyed the sweet smell of perfection which emitted from the white bag carefully buckled into my passenger seat. I passed a homeless man on the streets, and threw millions of dollars worth of change at him from my middle console (sitting here writing this now, I realize that in reality it was a seven year old child with a table, and numerous glasses of yellow liquid lined up behind a sign which read "free lemonade". I was wondering why that homeless man was so incredibly short... And also why he had a table.) Nothing could ever go wrong. I was so happy. SO HAPPY!! Pulling into the drive way, I leaped like a gazelle from my car, and pranced across the driveway to the front door. I slid on my one sock across the dining room, plopped myself down on the couch, and flipped on the TV just in time for a new episode of Parks and Recreation. Biting into that burger, I have never felt such satisfaction and bliss. Below are some pictures of what I enjoyed that day. If you want lifelong happiness, go get one yourself.